Going Out With a Bang by Joan Boswell

Author:Joan Boswell
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781459707818
Publisher: Dundurn

I woke up that night with two phrases piercing my restless sleep—“you don’t know everything” and “I’ll take what I can get for now.” There’s a terrible clarity that can crash through the muddle of the mind’s business at two a.m. The brain tucks the detritus of the day into files till it discovers the niggling viruses lying there. Full consciousness was now required. Lydia was not content with our delicate arrangement. Did she expect me to date her publicly? Then marry her? Was this what I wanted?

I tried to tell myself that I was panicking unnecessarily. Maybe she wanted to move to Toronto, or Vancouver. Maybe we would be long-distance lovers. That would be acceptable. I could live with that. But I’d been married once, for only two years, and that had been one and three quarter years too long. My life was not meant for intimate, relentless closeness. So much of my time was spent talking to parishioners, giving advice, sitting in hospital rooms pretending there’s a better world ahead, and, worst of all, meetings. I’d chosen a profession where large blocks of my life were public property, so the blocks that were mine were mine absolutely. Silence, or sleep, or hours of reading, these were my private pleasures. I loved routine; I loved tidiness. Yes, I loved Lydia, but I loved even more the way she fit into my existence without spoiling one minute of it. I hoped she wouldn’t make me choose.

I sat up in bed and reached for the lamp switch. I always had my laptop nearby. I flipped it open and pressed start. “Choice” would be a good topic for this Sunday’s sermon. The text was on the Transfiguration of Christ, and my question was whether epiphanies made choices easier or more difficult. When you’ve seen the light, so to speak, do you really have a choice any more? I sat contentedly typing ideas till the pink dawn broke the semi-darkness of the street. I put Lydia away for the time being and got up to make my first coffee of the day with a light heart.

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